Is It Sexism? Sometimes It’s Something More.

June 27, 2021

It was a classic workplace misunderstanding, with a twist.

I was working with an executive—a highly experienced and hard-charging (female) account director—who was feeling disregarded by her new (male) client. According to the account director, her new client didn’t want to hear what she had to say. She found him to be condescending and dismissive of her considerable expertise.

When I asked the new male client how he thought the engagement was going, his response was that the account director was clearly an expert, and he had been trying to tell her that she didn’t need his approval for every little thing, he just wanted her to get on with it. He didn’t have the time or desire for the frequent conversations she was used to having with his predecessor.

It turns out that for the account director, being closely in touch with a client was what made her feel like the account was working. Respect, for her, was represented by the depth of the client relationship—and by being involved in the client’s strategic decision-making, given her unique view on the client’s business.

For the client, respect was shown by giving the account director the room to do her job. And he believed that job had a limit. He believed in hierarchy, and that as the client, he set the strategy, and as the account director, she implemented it.

This makes sense. According to world-renowned linguist Deborah Tannen, for women, communication tends to be used to negotiate relationships, while for men, communication tends to be used to negotiate status. In this particular case, the account director sought affirmation through frequent communication with her client, and tended to take a modest, deferential stance in the relationship. When her client was a woman, this worked fine, as women tend to understand each other’s humility as respect. But with the new male client, for whom status mattered, her deference signaled to him that she was his subordinate.

What about the account director’s charge of condescension? That was real, as this client tended to overcompensate for his lack of confidence by reminding everyone that he had the power to give the orders. (And that was a shame, because it would have benefitted him and his business greatly to involve this talented account director in his strategic decision-making.)

Put their two styles together, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

The bottom line? Sometimes when we’re experiencing something that feels wrong and reads like sexism, what we’re actually experiencing is men and women acting like the complex human beings that they are and approaching communication in different ways.

So how did the account director elevate herself back to the level of trusted client partner? By dropping the deferential posture, and acting like her clients’ peer, which is what she was. And while the account director wants her client relationships to always contain a certain depth and closeness, she now knows that that’s just not going to happen with each one. She understands that women and men can be different in important ways, and keeps that in mind when working with each.