Be Ready for the Ambush

May 26, 2021

Recently, Ursula von der Leyen, the first female president of the European Commission, took to the podium at the European Parliament to declare that her recent public snubbing by the Turkish President was sexism, plain and simple. Unfortunately, her declaration came one week too late.

At her meeting with the Turkish President and von der Leyen’s colleague, Charles Michel, president of the European Council—and in front of a phalanx of international news cameras—it became clear to Ms. von der Leyen a moment too late that only two chairs had been set out for their three-person meeting. In a deft musical-chairs maneuver, Mr. Michel slid into the chair next to the Turkish President first, leaving Ms. von der Leyen standing empty-seated.

The cameras memorably caught Ms. von der Leyen’s insulted “Wha?” response as she stood, shocked, waiting to see if this situation would be rectified. The two men in the chairs actively ignored her. Eventually Ms. von der Leyen moved to the only available seat, a sofa about 10 feet away from the men, and effectively out of earshot.

In that moment, plenty of female executives knew exactly how von der Leyen felt. Von der Leyen’s reaction—which was to take her seat on the sofa as gracefully as possible and allow the proceedings to go on—is also familiar. This reaction comes from a mixture of disbelief, a recognition that no one else seems to think anything is wrong, and a desire not to rock the boat. In the end, everyone else goes on with their lives, and the woman feels angry and wronged and alone.

There’s another way.

What if von der Leyen had had the presence of mind to address the snubbing in the moment? I know, easy to say. But think about it: Instead of saying, as she did one week later at her press conference, “You wouldn’t have done that to a man,” what if she had said to herself in the moment, “You will not do that to me” and then asked for another chair to be brought out.

It’s hard to have that presence of mind in every situation. But we must, because the pokes and slights will come. This is not to say that you should be paranoid or defensive. Nothing ever ends well when that’s your starting point. But it is to say that in order to be powerful, a woman must know her worth—and then act like she knows, always.

When you approach every situation with this sense of personal power intact, you can handle anything that is thrown at you. You don’t have to worry about what’s going to come next, because you don’t accept disrespectful treatment, gender-based or otherwise. Period.

If that sounds unrealistic to you, just think about someone you admire who does have a highly developed sense of personal power. How would they have handled the “only two chairs” situation? What would Christine Lagarde have done? Or von der Leyen's fellow countrywoman, German Chancellor Angela Merkel?

Cultivating your own personal power may not sound easy, and it certainly takes courage, but it’s the only way to get to your ultimate goals. Because the pokes and prods will inevitably come on your journey, and knowing your worth is the best way to prepare for them.