What to Do When You Feel “Over-Powered”
August 22, 2021
In my work with women, I talk about personal power, which is knowing your worth and acting like it.
Sounds simple. And it is…when there are no obstacles in your way.
When “personal power” means deciding that you will ask for that raise, and you do, and you get it, that feels great. Or deciding that the time has come to start your own business, and you do, you feel powerful.
But what about when getting what you want is not simply a matter of deciding you’re going to “go for it?” What about when getting what you want is not up to you? For example:
When you are clearly the best analyst at your company, and you get passed up repeatedly for a promotion in favor of others who are less qualified?
Or, as a young associate at a law firm (bursting with ambition and eager to do the work to make it to partner in record time), you are regularly asked to make copies and clean up after meetings when others are not?
Or as a senior member of an executive team at a commercial real estate firm, you find yourself being excluded from or inexplicably uninvited from important meetings where critical decisions are being made?
What does “personal power” mean in these situations?
First of all, it means understanding that the people around you do not necessarily share your view of your own worth, even if they should. (Or alternatively, that they do see how good you are, and find it threatening.) And that as a result, they may actively exercise their authority or influence to keep you from advancing.
Is it fair? Of course not. Does it happen to women every day? Well, if you’re reading this, I don’t have to answer that question for you.
What is happening in these moments is that the people around you are using their “positional power” to outplay you.
What is positional power? You can think of it in terms of the proverbial “corporate ladder.” On that ladder, there is only so much power to go around: You are either at the top, with more positional power, or somewhere underneath, with less positional power. The people above you on the ladder can use their positional power to exert pressure on you. As in, You have to do what I’m asking or I can make you lose your position on this ladder.
And that creates fear. You think…
If I speak up about being passed over for the promotion, perhaps I will be labeled as ungrateful, and then never get a promotion.
If I refuse to make copies, I will be fired. I’m only an associate.
If I question why I’m being excluded from meetings, I will be seen as “difficult,” making it less likely that I’ll ever be invited in.
Positional power thrives on fear. And because we live in a world in which people have power over others, opportunities for the abuse of power abound. This is true in every workplace, and government system, and academic institution, all over the world.
So what does personal power have to do with all of this?
Well, when you have personal power, you understand something very simple: Positional power is completely made up. It’s a concept, a man-made system. People don’t really have different levels of value and worth. We are all born equal. Every human being is worthy of respect, and each of us matters.
And when you know that, when you truly understand your worth, and start acting like it, suddenly “positional power” doesn’t hold so much power over you. As in:
I am going to tell my boss that I want a promotion. If all goes as it should, I will get that promotion. If not, I am going to find another organization that is willing to offer me the position and the compensation I deserve.
I am going to tell my superiors that I will not make copies for them anymore, and I am simply going to stop cleaning up after meetings, because that is not an appropriate use of my time or the skills they hired me for. This should demonstrate to my superiors that they have hired a serious young lawyer. But if they have a problem with that, I am immediately going to stop toiling in a workplace in which I clearly have no chance of becoming a partner anyway.
I am going to walk into the next meeting as if I belong there, because I do. And one of two things will happen: the men around me will realize I will not be dismissed, and I will earn their respect, and this will change everything about my interactions with them going forward. Or they will ask me to leave, in which case, What the hell am I doing working with these people in the first place?
Personal power doesn’t focus on the unfairness of it all. It simply says, “This is what I’m worth, because I say so.”
The next time you are in a “positional power” bind, try approaching your situation from a “personal power” point of view. You will be amazed by the perspective it gives you on your situation, and the powerful set of options that it presents.