A Nation of Angry Women

June 18, 2018

I agree with self-help guru Tony Robbins and public-intellectual-of-the-moment Dr. Jordan Peterson that victimhood is bad. Playing the victim will only bring you more of the same misery you already have.

But the way to help people relinquish victimhood isn’t to lecture them about it, but to help them find their personal power.  And that starts when they’re ready to let go of their anger—anger that’s sometimes been simmering for a lifetime.  

Think about the stories we’ve heard throughout this last #MeToo year.  Among the horrific tales of rape and abuse and harassment are stories of more subtle discomforts.  It was 10 years after former Senator Al Franken gave a colleague a sloppy and unwanted kiss that she shared her story at a press conference, sounding as pissed off as if the incident had just happened 10 minutes before.

If that’s the lasting impact of stupid, sophomoric moments, what’s the impact of being led to the boss’s hotel room by a cohort of silent men, not knowing what will follow? What’s the lasting impact of rape? 

Women are angry.  And rightly so.

For those well-meaning men who are trying to let women know that they sometimes slip into victimhood when they reveal these experiences, my advice to you is wait.  This expression of anger has been millennia in the making.  If you love the women in your life, let them vent.  And then, yes, they must be talked down off of the self-pitying ledge.  But it’s often better to let another woman—someone who truly understands her experience—do that.  And trust me, we’re out there.

And let’s all consider this: while many women are finally speaking out, not everyone is.  Which means there are millions more angry women out there who are still not saying anything about it, who have still not found their “voice.”

This process of catharsis is ongoing.

For the women who have already shouted #MeToo from the rooftops, let’s move forward.  The way to not let anyone disrespect you in the future is to not let anyone disrespect you in the future.  

For those women who have not yet told their story, remember that your anger—and your fear of speaking it—will kill your soul.  Left untended, anger slowly immolates us from the inside until there is no core left. 

The cure for this is simple.  Speak.  In the moment.  Say what you are thinking.  And know that there is no guarantee that your candid words will be embraced or understood or even respected.  Your bully of a boss or bully of a husband or the female head of HR might shout you down and dismiss you.  But you can’t shut down and you can’t give up.   

And I know this sounds crazy, but don’t get mad about it, either.  The way you get your life back is to speak your truth—and then live like you mean it.  You can't worry about what will happen to the other guy.  Your voice will give you power—the power to navigate all of the small moments in your daily life when you are challenged, and poked at, and tested, again and again and again.

Once you learn to speak your truth, you will never be a victim again.  Because you won’t allow it.