The Importance of Knowing When You’ve Been Disrespected
October 1, 2021
Perhaps it comes from a lifetime of dealing patiently with petty sexist offenses (e.g., mansplaining, being actively ignored, underestimated, or overlooked), but I’m always struck by how politely we women can respond to truly disrespectful behavior.
Let me give you an example: In a recent Lead Like a Woman session, I told the story of a (male) subordinate who basically stole a (female) executive’s work in a presentation to the CEO. Participants were furious at how wrong this was, but some still suggested that the executive should respond with “Maybe you didn’t mean to do that, but…” and “Perhaps next time you should think about…” Trust me. The subordinate meant to do that. He was boldly challenging the executive, and that challenge needed to be met with a strong and decisive response.
It’s sort of like, and I hate to bring up this painful memory, but it’s sort of like the second presidential debate of 2016, and Secretary Clinton being stalked on stage by a glowering Donald Trump. A lifetime of having to keep her composure in the face of private and public attacks meant that Clinton, well, kept her composure. And then she was criticized for keeping her composure, because we all wanted to see her turn around and tell this man to knock it off.
That’s just not easy to do when you have trained yourself to grin and bear it for years. You develop a habit of handling every situation graciously, no matter how egregious the behavior. And you build a thick skin off of which sexist, diminishing remarks and slights and digs roll like water.
What I’m suggesting here is that maybe, over time, you also start to lose some perspective about what you should tolerate. Goodness knows, you can tolerate anything—for those of us of a certain age, sucking it up is a way of life—but it doesn’t mean you should. So where do you draw the line, and how do you develop new muscle memory that allows you to address disrespectful behavior in the moment, when it happens?
Here are three steps to take:
Start with the simple stuff: When someone interrupts you in a meeting, put up your hand and say “Let me finish,” and keep talking. That may sound easy, but I can’t tell you how many people find this difficult to do. The bottom line here is, Does what you say matter? Do you actually believe that you should be heard? If so, don’t let anyone stop you (and if you are allowing yourself to be talked over, the person stopping you is you).
Then move on to asserting yourself. Make a commitment to always speak up when you have an idea or when you disagree with something that is being said in your workplace. You have to actually believe that you should be heard and treated with respect before you can insist that others do so.
Once you are truly doing these things, you should already feel a difference in yourself. You will probably feel more powerful, and you’ll likely be enjoying yourself more. Now’s the time to look that next guy who calls you sweetheart in the eye and say, “Don’t call me sweetheart.” You don’t have to scream it, you don’t have to gird for battle, you just have to say it. Just say it. You will not do this to me.
In that moment, you will open up a whole new world for yourself—one in which you determine your worth and how you will be treated.