Don’t Listen Politely. Listen Strategically.

Are you a conversation caretaker? Do you find yourself smiling and nodding when talking to someone else? Compelled to jump in and fill silences? Me, too. Or rather, that was the old me. I wanted to be liked and couldn’t bear the thought that the other person might feel uncomfortable, so I was determined to manage the conversation. The only problem is that when you’re focused on keeping the conversation going, you’re not really paying attention to what the other person is up to. You’re reacting to them, which gives them—you guessed it, power.

The goal isn’t to manage the conversation, it’s to manage the other person.

In work situations, conversations are where everything happens—where we’re challenged, tested, and presented with unexpected opportunities. It’s where we show people who we are, how we think, and how we operate. And we’re being sized up, whether we realize it or not. When you are focused on dutifully answering the other person’s questions and trying to make them comfortable, you may not realize that they’re getting information out of you, fishing for clues to understand you better so that they can influence you.

And that’s why you need to stop listening politely and start listening strategically.

Try allowing a silence to happen without jumping in, and see what ensues. Does the other person jump to fill it? Do they wait? Do they move on? Start watching their body language; what is it telling you? Throw in an unexpected question and see if it gets them off balance or if they take it in stride. Are they guarded? Are they forthcoming? Your job is to learn as much about the other person as possible by how they handle the conversation.

That way, you know who you’re dealing with. Remember, if you’re looking to advance, the goal isn’t to make other people comfortable. The goal is to “position yourself up” and not be “positioned down.” If you’re not strategically managing people, they’re probably managing you. If you’re a “conversation caretaker,” try taking a step back and observing others so you can learn what makes them tick. That’s where you’ll find your power.